Are you in love with a narcissist?
So tell me…does it feel amazing right now? You can’t believe how lucky you are can you? I mean, you are aware that you’re something pretty special, but this level of adoration you have never experienced before, and it’s mind-blowing. Let me guess, no one before you has ever come close, no one has been as beautiful, perfect, understanding. He is so enthralled by wonderful you that your mobile phone seems to beep constantly reminding you of this fact. That last guy who had you waiting by the phone? What a waste of space he was – THIS is how a man that appreciates you behaves… Right? Wrong. I’d say think again – because it is likely that you are blindly sailing through the midst of love-bombing. And love-bombing is a pretty self-explanatory term, and an art that has been perfected by the narcissist to catch his prey.
Narcissism is a personality disorder, in which the beholder possesses a grandiose sense of self, along with many other destructive traits and that along with not having the ability to feel empathy, makes for the most soul destroying romantic partner you could ever not wish for. Does your partner seem to be uber confident? Do they captivate you with their self-love and pride? Do they constantly talk about themselves and their achievements, wearing even negative experiences like a badge of honour? Do they show-off? This could be something that initially you felt slightly uncomfortable by, maybe even embarrassed, yet you learnt to shrug it off and get used to it – eventually feeling pride being on the arm of such a self-assured superstar. Oh yes, you will get drawn in by his unique charisma and strong magnetism, only to get hooked on his energy and eventually consumed by all that he is and all that he does.
So what are the warning signs?
As the aforementioned states narcissists are full of self-importance and revel in the possession of delusions of grandeur. Yes they may pretend to listen to what you are saying and show an avid interest but they soon enough shut off and bring the conversation back around to them. Remember this singular fact and let it sink into your brain – they don’t care about you! They don’t care about your interests, your mother, what your kids are doing at school or what you like. They simply don’t care. And they don’t care because they can’t care.
They show off and love to show off – they believe that everyone has an interest in what they want to say and that only themselves and their achievements are all that anyone else wants to learn about. You probably felt uncomfortable about this initially and then somehow came around to this aspect of his personality – even starting to feel proud around others of your new man’s pride in himself.
However your super confident partner may also show signs of insecurity and whimper about how he doesn’t feel attractive next to you and that you could easily have any man of your choosing. Why do you want him when you can have your pick of the bunch? This is merely a ploy to receive yet more compliments and reassurance from you. The hypothetical part of this scenario is, that the narcissist, as self-assured as he may seem, is actually, deep-rootedly a hugely insecure being. This generally stems from experiencing neglect and feelings of unworthiness as a child, but remember this. Attempting to dissect your narcissist’s past will not change any factors of the present…you will be wasting your valuable time.
Love-bombing. They will shower you completely with compliments and make you feel like the most important lady to ever walk the face of the earth. No one could ever compare to a goddess like you. As much as you truly want to believe that you are a gift to mankind, the reality is the narcissist will do all he can to gain you as the new notch on his bedpost – it’s all hot air and he means none of it.
Unfortunately, when your narcissist casts you aside – and he will – it will leave you feeling like no other break up in life has ever made you feel before. It will feel like the biggest punch in the face, heart and stomach all in one go. Why? Because the man that idolised you, put you on a pedestal, made you feel like the most beautiful, unique and amazing individual on the planet, will drop you from a height of a skyscraper in the blink of an eye and with no warning. You will subsequently feel hopeless and lost – ‘he can’t possibly mean it because he loves me so much. He meant it. He told me constantly every day.’ WRONG. The unfortunate reality is that you were only there to satisfy a craving of attention and give him what’s known as narcissistic supply. Think of it as a drug addiction – when you crave it you need to have it. Simple. The same works with women. He will do all he can to get you – his fix – and when he is satisfied he no longer needs it. Narcissists get bored easily – and a new conquest fills him with excitement, an ego boost and gets his heart beating. Seeing you after a time will no longer give him the excitement he so needs, because the narc is fully conscious in the knowledge that he has you where he wants you and the chase and thrill has dwindled away. And so the vicious circle will continue, round and round again.
Don’t try to search deeply for anything meaningful with a narc as it simply does not exist. Don’t ruminate for any nostalgia in your moments together or try to analyse those intimate and what you thought were meaningful conversations. Those heartfelt captivating instances of looking into each other’s eyes, talking about the future you would have, the love, marriage, babies, holidays…reality check – all meaningless to the narcissist.
I comprehend this all relays as so inhumane. How can someone say all those profound things to you, be so loving and make lifelong plans? ‘I can’t believe that he didn’t mean a single word of it. He must have, it’s impossible not to.’ Well my dear I’m sorry to inform you that he didn’t. Welcome to the world of personality disorders. Narcs, sociopaths and psychopaths all share the same thing. As previously touched upon, they feel no empathy. And to feel no empathy in a nutshell means that you cannot feel for others – which in itself is a terrifying concept to uphold. It basically means they can do anything to you and feel no remorse or guilt because essentially, their brain is not capable of feeling such emotions. It’s just the way they are wired. Yes, generally these personality disorders all stem from negative childhood experiences, but those facts are not for you to waste your precious life lamenting about and trying to gain a solution. You cannot fix a personality disorder. It remains with you forever. So do yourself a favour. Attempt to look at the situation rationally. Yes, you believe you were in love and you feel as though the entire world has been pulled from beneath your feet and you are struggling to balance – but remember the blunt reality – you meant nothing to this person and this person that meant so much to you never existed. You were in love with a myth. Find solace in the fact that this situation was never due to any fault of your own; you were selected, targeted and preyed upon and you fell for a fraudulent being that cannot reciprocate emotions and sentiment. The painfully harsh certainty in all of this circumstance is that none of it was real…
BUT BEWARE! He will be back. Oh yes he will. It may be the following week, month or even year down the line, but there will always be an attempt at contact. It may be a text, a phone call or a knock at the door. And this is called hoovering. As previously advised, do not think he has been reminiscing about the times you had or has been feeling nostalgic, this is far from the truth. The reason a narcissist hoovers his previous victims, is again for narcissistic supply and to refill his ego levels. Imagine the boost he gets from knowing that the woman he once discarded like a piece of garbage on collection day, is still willing to take him back, spread her legs and do literally anything that he so desires. And if you decide to respond to him and to see him again – just be warned, you will get discarded once more and this time your healing will be longer. This is the one thing you should never do which so many women sadly get lured in to, is to let him continue to sleep with you when he wants because you feel you can’t let him go. You probably feel you can sway his feelings and make him realise what he’s been missing. ‘One last time I need him alone with me then he’ll realise’…right? Wrong! He will only use you for sex because he is bored and probably can’t get hold of anyone else that day. You will be left feeling completely worthless and used and like a specimen on the bottom of his shoe. You have been warned. It is meaningless for him and nothing you do no matter how beautiful and sexy you look, no matter how gorgeous your hair, expensive your lingerie or how mind-blowing your newly learnt sex moves will make that empty heart feel any emotion towards you – ever.
Read articles, books and blogs – do your research on the subject. Because knowledge is power, and the more you learn the more empowered you shall become and you will begin to realise that this whole magically monstrous bittersweet manifestation was something entirely out of your control. But you must believe – you will rise from the ashes like a phoenix and you WILL find true love. I promise you this. But now remember, you have awareness and own the tools you need to source a healthy relationship. Being over adored and idolised is not a sustainable dynamic. Yes we all like to be complimented and feel exceptionally special, but take a step back next time. If the man is abnormally eager and adoring and it makes you feel uneasy, he is most probably love bombing you – but you already know that don’t you? Use your experience to protect your heart – and to be even more proactive, spread the word to protect others. As women, we can be too trusting and fragile at times and give people the benefit of the doubt because in general we are good, loyal beings – but the harsh reality of the world in which we reside, is that there are good and bad in all beings and not every being to cross our path will be good for us. Now this does not mean you have to be closed and standoffish when you meet a guy, just analyse his behaviour and initial intentions. If he wants to sleep with you straight away then no, he probably doesn’t want to marry you. Use your intuition and your common sense – it’s amazing how astute and accurate they can be.