In online dating, one of the big questions everyone always asks themselves is can texting everyday before meeting be OK?
The problem with this question is that everybody is different. Also, the initial conversation before meeting tends to be driven by the man rather than the woman. The mentality of the woman, meaning does she have a strategy to not appear too keen or is she just replying naturally, can affect the answer to this question. When a guy texts you a lot before you meet, it is not always a bad thing if the lady’s strategy is to play it cool.
It is far too easy to feel good about having someone to flirt with on your phone or computer. You can start to say things without thinking, let your guard down and also let things drift into territory they really shouldn’t. If you fall asleep at the wheel in this way, you may miss the “sweet spot” for meeting that person altogether.
So is this a common theme and is there an answer to the question of whether you should text everyday before we meet someone?
Getting Some Perspective On Texting Everyday Before Meeting
First contact is usually through the online dating sites messaging system. Depending on the common ground and mutual interest, the frequency of those texts will usually amount to a handful per day.
As trust builds, most people tend to then exchange phone numbers under the understanding that it will not lead to an immediate phone call, rather increasing trust through the text conversation moving into a dedicated text the application, usually WhatsApp.
I should point out here that there are other mobile chat apps out there that do not require the swapping of phone numbers. Probably the best out there is Kik messenger which allows you to use it simply by setting up an anonymous account.
Once the move has been made on to direct phone messaging, it usually goes something like this.
There will be several messages per day, including one or more in-depth multi-message conversations. Because you are hiding behind the anonymity of your phone, you will tend to be more candid about yourself and ask more in-depth questions.
This can lead to an artificial sense of intimacy. Signs of this happening include wishing the other person good morning or good night, or asking how that day is going.
A warning sign that you are going to far too fast is if you acquire intimate sexual, emotional or historical knowledge about that person before you have even met.
So What’s The problem With Messaging Everyday Before Meeting Someone?
The problem is you are creating an artificial perception of what the person you are texting with is like.
You are both building an idealised fantasy of an ideal person in your mind.
It can also lead to problems when you do actually meet. Because you have built up a mental image of a person, usually highly favourable, when you meet it can be a shock.
All of a sudden, the person you have got to know your mind is replaced with a complete stranger in front of you.
On one level you have an intimate knowledge of many aspects of their life and personality, but in the real world of face-to-face meeting, you know absolutely nothing about them and do not have the ability to link their online persona with their offline mannerisms.
So Are We Living In An Online Dating Fantasy World?
In a way yes. If you move rapidly from the odd “getting to know you” message on the site to dozens of text per day, then you are allowing yourself to build up a fantasy partner in your mind.
Everything on your mental checklist of what your ideal partner will be like can be shoehorned into that persons responses.
Before you know it, the whole situation can take on a life of its own and you are texting, emailing, swapping photos and having huge phone calls before you have even met.
And then when you meet, suddenly it all feels wrong. Because you realise you simply don’t fancy that person as much you thought, or the style mannerisms are not as you imagine, you bale out emotionally.
So How Often Should I Message Someone On A Dating Site Before Meeting?
You really should use your initial messaging to filter out the idiots and incompatibles.
This can be easily done within a handful of messages – if you ask the right questions and note the responses.
As soon as you realise that you may fancy that person visually and that they take most of your tick boxes for wants and dealbreakers, then you should move rapidly to a first date arrangement.
If you don’t, you run the risk of building up a fantasy figure in your mind who simply cannot be lived up to when you meet face-to-face.
In terms of timescales, you should be looking to meet someone within a week of that first contact being made. Any shorter and you may not be able to filter out as many people as you could, leading to more unsatisfactory first date experiences.
Any longer, and you run the risk of falling into the trap of developing what is essentially online buddy, rather than someone who you could spend the rest of your life with.
In terms of frequency, messaging every day once or twice for the first three or four days is fine. Then move into a “lets meet” and then a “we’re meeting” stance, where you back off from repeated messaging and questioning.
Touching base each day in the lead up to a first date is fine from that point though. “Really looking forward to meeting you.” is cool, “So tell me more about how you suffered childhood trauma?” is not.
Finally, Always Take Into Consideration The Age Of The Person You Are Messaging
Always think about the age group of the person you are talking to through online dating messaging.
Although the under 40’s, and especially the under 30’s, view texting as integral to their lifestyle and think nothing of swapping numbers and sharing their life with people, in the over 40’s it’s not quite so clear cut.
Be aware of the person you are texting. They may find it very comfortable to message daily, while you find it deeply uncomfortable. If there is a disconnect on this level, it is even more reason to rapidly meet and make a real life decision.
At the end of the day, in terms of romance, people almost solely communicated face-to-face up until about 15 years ago. Online dating is about meeting people and building relationships, not about self gratification through building up chat buddies.
So make contact, weed out the weirdos and arrange those dates.